About this tool

This tool is meant for all types of relationships: platonic, familial, business, romantic, sexual, etc.

It is meant to challenge and make clear exactly what we mean when we are using these descriptors. *

To form your relationship, you and another can pick any number of “items” from the “menu”.

The “dish” that the two (or more) of you hold is your relationship.

By being open about your hopes and consciously agreeing together on what is in your relationship,

you can avoid conflict and disappointment later. No sneaking in items without the other knowing!

The things on your mutual plate can change at any time.

Come back often and re-evaluate. Embrace your changing tastes and desires!

The menu is loosely sorted from less personal to intimate.


This version of the Non-Escalator Relationship Menu was created by Paul-Vincent Roll.

Based on the Relationship Anarchy Smörgåsbord (Version 6) and the Non-Escalator Relationship Menu (Version 3).

Recommended reading: The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy

*Explanation adapted from thecenterforgrowth.com.

Non-Escalator Relationship Menu

Must Have
Maybe / Let's Talk
Off Limit
Communication
Daily or frequent check ins
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Texting
In-person visits
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Discussing work and hobbies
Discussing family, partners, relationships
Ability to express disagreements or hurt feelings
Ability to address and resolve conflict
Relationship meetings
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Radical honesty
Companionship
Shared hobbies, activities or interests
Friendship
Collaborative
Working together
Teaching
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Creativity
Organizations
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Associations
Religious / Spiritual
Shared ritual / prayer
Shared beliefs
Discussions
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Divination
Professional & Work
Combining social, collaborative & financial
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Colleagues
Co-operatives
Technology
Sharing passwords
Sharing accounts
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Accessing computers / phones without asking
Partnership
Routine
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Embracing change in one another
Legal
Marriage
Civil partnership
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Business partner
Power of attorney
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Executor of will
Financial
Mutual contributions to vacation / activity fund
Co-ownership of property
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Complete financial integration
Quality Time
Regularly scheduled time together
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Spending the night
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Sharing activities
Vacations together
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Domestic
Sharing a dwelling/home
Sharing a sleeping space
Cooking together
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Chores & Routines
Co-Caregivers
Family (sick, elderly)
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Plants
Children (own or from other partnerships)
Long-term commitment (for the above)
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Emotional Intimacy
Active listening
Being vulnerable
Discussing values / beliefs
Sharing stories about past
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Knowing personal likes & dislikes
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Physical Intimacy
Body contact
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Massages
Cuddles
Hand-holding
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Kissing
Nudity
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Co-Sleeping
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Public displays of affection
Emotional Support
Being asked for advice
Confidante
Insecurities & reassurances
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Supporting mental health work
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Romantic
Caregiving
Health / illness
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Sponsorship
Age
End of life / death
Disability
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Social Integration
Meeting friends
Meeting children
Spending time as a couple with friends/family
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Positive relationships with metamors
Presenting as a couple in public settings
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Presenting as a couple in professional settings
Joint vacations with family/metamors
Sexual
Orgasms
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Manual sex (fingering & hand jobs)
Penetrative vaginal sex
Penetrative anal sex
Using sex toys
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Kinky stuff
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Frequency, Safer sex practices & STI testing
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Autonomy
Balance of time together and apart
Support to pursue independent interests
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Maintaining independent friendships
Being sexually exclusive with each other
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Being romantically / emotionally exclusive
Commitment
Having a key
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Relationship labels
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Expectation of long term involvement
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Commitment to working through challenges
Commitment to relationship maintenance
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Pregnancy/children together
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Things to Discuss
Important boundaries
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Accountability
Security & privacy
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Mental health & trauma
Relationship duration
Living preferences
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Career importance